LANCASTER COUNTY, PA — Tragedy struck a local voting precinct today, as an Amish man reportedly fell through a trap door directly to Hell after using an electronic voting machine.

PINE CITY, NY — Following the public outcry about the state's Department of Environmental Conservation raiding a local man's home and euthanizing his pet squirrel who had hundreds of thousands of social media followers, New York authorities announced Peanut the squirrel had died of COVID-19.

U.S. — After government authorities seized and executed the beloved squirrel known as "Peanut," squirrels across America donned tiny MAGA hats and launched a mass uprising.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A pair of local parents were in for a shock Halloween night after discovering a stray piece of candy in their child's bag of needles.

LOS ANGELES, CA — After being in business for 143 years, The Los Angeles Times is shutting its doors because its entire staff resigned in protest after being asked to publish factual information. Provoked by a new editor-in-chief who thought newspapers were supposed to report facts, several senior reporters banded together to rally everyone to quit their jobs and do literally anything else. "I've wanted to be a reporter for as long as I could remember," said former political correspondent Iago Mendax. "But telling the truth? What does that have to do with reporting?" Several former employees had already accepted jobs at The New York Times and The National Enquirer, where they hoped their efforts to dispel the truth would be appreciated. Others were considering this an early retirement. "I think I'm just going to lie in my free time," said Jezebel Countercross, who formerly worked the crime beat. "I think it will be nice to just spend more time deceiving my friends and family." At publishing time, every single former employee had been sued for libel.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — In an incident that overshadowed the smashing success of Donald Trump's appearance at a local McDonald's yesterday, a would-be assassin was reportedly found hiding in the restaurant's PlayPlace.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — A large Venezuelan gang was completely wiped out this week after trying to take over a local Buc-ee's location.

RESTON, VA — A local law enforcement officer found himself on the receiving end of fierce public backlash and allegations of racism for stubbornly refusing to allow a black woman to murder him with a knife.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alejandro Mayorkas recently fell under suspicion of using Jedi mind tricks after the Secretary of Homeland Security started desperately waving his hands around while claiming that the Biden-Harris administration has not intentionally allowed millions of illegals to cross the US border to vote.

NEW YORK, NY — In a landmark change to what had always been viewed as an iconic inscription, the word "terrorists" was added to the list of people groups in Emma Lazarus's poem on the Statue of Liberty plaque.

CHICAGO, IL — Editorial staff of the Chicago Nightly News reportedly discovered a brilliant hack to save time and energy at their jobs: simply reporting the names of the Chicago citizens who were not shot throughout the day.

TALLAHASSEE, FL — In an incredibly petty jerk move, Ron DeSantis reportedly prevented Kamala Harris from helping out with hurricane relief by not telling her where Florida is, even though she was really willing to aid victims of Hurricanes Helene and Milton.

With a potentially catastrophic storm hurtling through the Gulf, Floridians have been asking one question: was "Milton" really the best they could come up with? Here are 9 alternatives that would have been way, way cooler:

TAMPA, FL — As yet another tragic side-effect of the impending destruction expected to be caused by Hurricane Milton when it makes landfall, experts predicted the wave of Waffle House closures would force crackheads to go fight out in the streets.

U.S. — Millions of homosexuals have reportedly starved to death after Colorado's Supreme Court affirmed the right of Jack Phillips to refuse to bake gay wedding cakes.

TAMPA, FL — FEMA announced this week they don't have enough resources to block any outside humanitarian aid coming into Florida and surrounding states ahead of Hurricane Milton.

U.S. — As weather reports came in about Hurricane Milton taking the shape of the Star of David just before making landfall with the western coast of Florida, Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene was heard telling anyone who would listen she had warned them about this.

ASHEVILLE, NC — FEMA arrested Noah this week after they caught the prophet attempting to help rescue people afflicted by the floods.

U.S. — Noted ship enthusiast and young-earth creationist Ken Ham was reportedly seen traveling across the southeast United States in a life-sized replica of Noah's ark in a heroic attempt to rescue victims of Hurricane Helene.