NEW YORK, NY — Amid the excitement of MAGA voters descending on Madison Square Garden, MSNBC condemned former President Donald Trump for holding a rally on the same planet where, 66 million years ago, an asteroid caused mass extinction.

U.S. — In a surprise development, Joe Rogan, host of the most popular podcast on the planet, decided to bring on a former McDonald's fry cook as a featured guest.

With the public increasingly vulnerable to being duped into thinking awe-inspiring images like Trump taking the field for the Pittsburgh Steelers might actually be real, prestigious journalistic publication Newsweek has taken it upon itself to make sure the American people are protected from potential misinformation.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Teary-eyed sources at the Washington Post have just confirmed that the paper's entire staff has just been given the day off to mourn the loss of the Hamas leader who masterminded the Oct. 7 attacks in 2023.

U.S. — In a tense exchange with Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance, ABC news anchor Martha Raddatz argued that the tragedy of September 11th had been way overblown since it only involved a handful of buildings.

U.S. — The Kamala campaign was forced to pay gay actors to make a new ad about manliness after unsuccessfully searching the country for four straight male supporters.

NEW YORK, NY — Hiring sources within the Fox News Channel Personnel Department reported a strange applicant for a commentary position earlier today: a smokin' hot 50-something blonde who asked to be called "Tucquerina Carolsina."

NEW YORK, NY — Following allegations of showing different clips of Kamala answering the same question, CBS News defended themselves by revealing they interviewed Kamala Harris for 721 hours in order to compile 60 minutes of usable footage.