WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife’s election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources reported Tuesday. “Okay, Doug, I know it’s exciting to watch Kamala run for president, but I’m going to need you to take a deep breath and count to 100,” said campaign aide Tara Friedland, who just moments earlier had grabbed the overly excited 60-year-old lawyer by the ear after he jumped up from his seat, began sprinting around, and let out several high-pitched screams. “Doug, look at me. Remember what we talked about. Election night is a grown-ups’ event. And when we are at a grown-ups’ event, we don’t do cartwheels, we don’t throw our food, and we don’t jump up on the table and steal the microphone when Kamala is talking. Do you understand?” At press time, Emhoff had reportedly been placed in a limousine and driven back to the vice president’s official residence after he took his shirt off, ran up on stage, and bit several Secret Service agents.

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000 seats should be enough to fit everyone, but we can always have overflow in the parking lot if need be,” said the self-assured Green Party presidential nominee, beaming excitedly from her place on the stage as she looked out at the three supporters who had already assembled to watch the election coverage with her. “Booking this place was worth every penny. No one shows up to these parties early, but they’ll start trickling in soon, and a few hours from now this place will be heaving. It’s gonna look so cool when we drop all those President Stein balloons I ordered. I can already hear the roar of the crowd as I become America’s 47th president! I’ll see if they can queue up some green lasers for the moment when my 270th Electoral College vote comes in. And I can tell my victory speech will be one for the history books—though maybe I should try to pare it down to 45 minutes while we’re waiting for the votes to come in.” At press time, sources confirmed that Stein had gone ahead and booked the stadium again for 2028.

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PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. “I can’t deal with all this election stuff, so I’m just going to ignore it all and binge Gilmore Girls,” said the former president, wearing pajamas as he tuned out the barrage of exit polls and focused instead on the mother-daughter relationship between Rory and Lorelai Gilmore. “I told everyone not to come in and bother me with election results right now. I just want to watch Lorelai and Luke fall in love. Ugh, I wish America were more like Stars Hollow.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was growing increasingly apprehensive about whether Logan or Jess was ahead in the race for Rory’s heart.

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Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What do you think?

“I’m technically still waiting in line to vote in the 2004 election.”

Gabriel Malwitz, Costume Retailer

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“I don’t like division, so I voted for both.”

Joy Hollifield, Container Filler

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“I’m not political, but I am violent.”

Russ Casteel, Shale Shoveler

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DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President Donald Trump. “As soon as I entered the voting booth, my hand lurched forward and marked the box for Trump,” said Shultz, explaining that every time he attempted to select Vice President Kamala Harris instead, his hand went entirely limp and he was stricken with intense, overwhelming nausea. “Eventually I swatted at my right hand with the voter information packet, and I even tried stabbing it with a ballpoint pen. That seemed to subdue it for a while, but when I tried voting for [incumbent Senate candidate] Bob Casey, my hand reached for my throat and began strangling me.” At press time, an eerily smiling Shultz confirmed his only desire was to “make America great again.”

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WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great,” Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their social media feeds, and sat in bars with their arms crossed and eyes glued to TV screens. “We don’t normally smoke, but a cig would really hit the spot right now. Our nerves are just fried. We really need something to cut the stress. If you need all 340 million of them, though, we understand.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation had followed-up by asking Obama for 340 million lights.

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CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy before he entered the voting booth. “I just don’t know enough about fifth-century BCE Athenian democracy to make an informed decision in this election,” said Powers, frantically reading about the Enlightenment to see for himself whether John Locke said anything about Kamala Harris’ record on immigration. “I’d hate to step into that booth and make a hasty decision before I examined for myself how each candidate stacks up against Sinn Féin organizer Arthur Griffith and his 1905 policy calling for an independent Irish republic. It’s not really my style to fall in line with one party or another without first reading everything modern academia has to say about the history of the campaign button.” At press time, election workers were reportedly begging Powers to just pick one already after he had spent several hours attempting to translate texts from the proto-democratic societies of ancient Phoenicia on his phone.

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The perfect three-bed, one-bath home for six bandmates, your girlfriends, and all your gear. 

Reference #378314

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WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending machines. “Projections show that by the time polls close, approximately two-thirds of the U.S. electorate will have turned out and, in their attempt to vote, selected chips, candy, or a soda,” the report issued Tuesday read in part, explaining that millions of registered voters had visited the community centers and church basements where their polling sites were located, automatically proceeded to the nearest vending machine, and, in an effort to fulfill their civic duty, used the keypad to make their choice. “According to exit polls, Snickers and M&M’s appear to be in a dead heat, with many of those surveyed telling pollsters they wish there had been different choices this election, like ice cream bars or maybe a Chipwich. Others expressed pessimism about the direction in which the country was headed, citing the inflation that had driven the cost of Powerade above $2.” At press time, millions of Americans were reportedly signaling to each other that they had voted by stuffing an empty bag of Doritos in their shirt pocket.

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HARRISBURG, PA—Pursing his lips while he examined the “I Vorted” sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn’t a legitimate polling site. “I was headed into the community center, but then this woman out front directed me to the building three doors down, which, now that I really look at it, seems to be an abandoned warehouse,” said Matney, noting that he began to have suspicions about the authenticity of the polling station when he saw that the American flag displayed inside had only a handful of stars but hundreds of stripes. “A person inside handed me a ballot that was long and skinny like a grocery store receipt. After I filled it out, a shirtless guy told me to feed it into the voting machine, which was just a hole in the floor where he’d torn up a wood plank. He made computer sounds while I did it, and then all the poll workers screamed, ‘Congratulations!’ Dang, now I’m wondering if a few of them weren’t even election officials.” Matney told reporters that his concerns about the location’s legitimacy were assuaged somewhat by a worker who promised to authenticate his vote in exchange for $40.

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MALIBU, CA—Insisting that situations such as this compelled the federal government to act immediately, former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters Monday that he was demanding Secret Service protection after finding a Cheez-It on his kitchen floor. “Today, I’m calling on the White House to move with swiftness and urgency to provide me with appropriate protection against cheese-flavored snack threats,” said the Trump campaign surrogate, who vividly described the terror he felt after he saw the baked menace lying next to his refrigerator and realized he was completely unguarded against stepping on it with his bare feet. “It missed my foot by an inch or less. Obviously, I’ve made many powerful enemies—but which one left this square-shaped cracker there? And who benefited from letting it get this close to me? Congress must answer these questions. Right now, though, I need trained agents sweeping every building I enter for floor-bound snacks to ensure this never happens again.” Kennedy went on to issue a stark warning, stating that if the Cheez-It had been extra cheesy flavored, he would be dead right now.

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PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts real bad—definitely shouldn’t have had so many, but they looked so good,” the 459-pound Don Jr. said to his equally overweight brother Eric, both of them spitting out chewed-up pieces of mail-in ballots as they writhed in pain on their shared bed, groaning in evident discomfort from the bodily expansion that results from consuming nearly 30,000 calories of ballots and a significant portion of a voting booth. “I didn’t need those last few referen-yums [sic]. But once you start, you can’t stop. Ugh, some of these were definitely fraudulent, too. Get out of the way, Eric! I feel like I’m gonna puke!” At press time, the seat of Eric Trump’s pants had reportedly split after he attempted to snack on one more election worker.

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GREEN BAY, WI—Completely ignoring a tackle for loss on the field, Fox Sports NFL announcer Tom Brady began to break down exactly why the jiu jitsu instructor now dating his ex-wife would never be able to please her. “Just look at this guy, from a physical and a mental standpoint, he just doesn’t have what it takes and he lacks the patience to find her erogenous zones,” said the seven-time Super Bowl champion, cutting off play-by-play announcer Kevin Burkhardt and drawing his ex-wife’s body on the screen to point out exactly where her most sensitive areas were actually located and stressing how jiu jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente’s martial arts training makes him ergonomically incompatible with Gisele. “He’ll almost certainly start kissing on her shoulders and work his way up to her neck while slowly sliding his hand down her thigh, but that won’t even make my former wife even remotely aroused. Hey, Joaquim, good luck making the mother of my three children moan while you futilely pull her hair and gently pinch her nipples! Get real.” At press time, the former quarterback was criticizing the Valente’s over-reliance on encouragement to form a healthy, supportive relationship with Brady’s children. 

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ATLANTA—Holding their hands up to their mouths and giggling as their eyes darted from side to side, the nation’s impish swing voters announced Monday that they had a little surprise in store for everyone. “Tee-hee-hee! You’d like to know who we think is the candidate of change in these troubled times, wouldn’t you?” said registered independent Wren Mogley, who spoke at a press conference held by mischievous undecided voters from across the country, letting a puckish grin twist up from the corners of his mouth before he ducked behind the podium, his cheeks blushing red. “You’ll never guess what tricks we fickle rascals have up our sleeves! Our minds flit ever so unexpectedly from one candidate to the other and then back again. Who oh who will we fancy on Election Day? La, la, la, la, la—the entire country is at our mercy!” According to political analysts, the twinkle in the eyes of the nation’s impish swing voters suggested most would probably forget to go to the polls.

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