HOUSTON, TX — Democrats outside of the Kamala Harris rally began screaming in blind rage after spotting a child who somehow managed to make it out of the womb alive.

GAZA — According to the latest LinkedIn statistics, Hamas has recently been having a bit of trouble attracting fresh new recruits. Their brilliant solution? Bring back casual Fridays.

SAMOA — Lesbian naval commander Yvonne Gray reportedly crashed the HMNZS Manawanui into a coral reef shortly after insisting that ships don't have to go into ports.

TEHRAN — After watching his missile bombardment of Israel fail to yield the results he had hoped for, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei frantically googled "how to build iron dome thingy FAST."

BERUIT — Young Hezbollah recruit Muhammed Amin was surprised to learn this week that he's already been promoted to the position of Regional Manager.

BERUIT — Following the death of their leader Hassan Nasrallah, members of the militant group Hezbollah asked the U.S. for advice on how to govern with a dead leader.

SAN BERNARDINO, CA — A McDonald's spokesman has gleefully confirmed that the burger giant's turnover rate is now no longer the highest in the world, as the recent, explosive spike in turnover at Hezbollah has officially put the terrorist organization well past McDonald's notorious 250%.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An emotional Representative Rashida Tlaib publicly grieved the death of Hezbollah's leader Hassan Nasrallah, demanding to know who she was supposed to send her daily Wordle score to now that the terrorist was gone.

BEIRUT — The carnage of surprise attacks on the terrorist organization in recent weeks continued in downtown Beirut today, as a party of six Hezbollah members was suddenly taken out by an apparent exploding restaurant buzzer.

PORTLAND, OR — Local drag queen Ronalda McDiva expressed frustration this week after trying to do a performance but there were no kids around so he had to go home and didn't get to waggle his rear end in front of minors.