WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife’s election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources reported Tuesday. “Okay, Doug, I know it’s exciting to watch Kamala run for president, but I’m going to need you to take a deep breath and count to 100,” said campaign aide Tara Friedland, who just moments earlier had grabbed the overly excited 60-year-old lawyer by the ear after he jumped up from his seat, began sprinting around, and let out several high-pitched screams. “Doug, look at me. Remember what we talked about. Election night is a grown-ups’ event. And when we are at a grown-ups’ event, we don’t do cartwheels, we don’t throw our food, and we don’t jump up on the table and steal the microphone when Kamala is talking. Do you understand?” At press time, Emhoff had reportedly been placed in a limousine and driven back to the vice president’s official residence after he took his shirt off, ran up on stage, and bit several Secret Service agents.

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000 seats should be enough to fit everyone, but we can always have overflow in the parking lot if need be,” said the self-assured Green Party presidential nominee, beaming excitedly from her place on the stage as she looked out at the three supporters who had already assembled to watch the election coverage with her. “Booking this place was worth every penny. No one shows up to these parties early, but they’ll start trickling in soon, and a few hours from now this place will be heaving. It’s gonna look so cool when we drop all those President Stein balloons I ordered. I can already hear the roar of the crowd as I become America’s 47th president! I’ll see if they can queue up some green lasers for the moment when my 270th Electoral College vote comes in. And I can tell my victory speech will be one for the history books—though maybe I should try to pare it down to 45 minutes while we’re waiting for the votes to come in.” At press time, sources confirmed that Stein had gone ahead and booked the stadium again for 2028.

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PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. “I can’t deal with all this election stuff, so I’m just going to ignore it all and binge Gilmore Girls,” said the former president, wearing pajamas as he tuned out the barrage of exit polls and focused instead on the mother-daughter relationship between Rory and Lorelai Gilmore. “I told everyone not to come in and bother me with election results right now. I just want to watch Lorelai and Luke fall in love. Ugh, I wish America were more like Stars Hollow.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was growing increasingly apprehensive about whether Logan or Jess was ahead in the race for Rory’s heart.

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Though many Americans are worried about the security of America's electoral processes our elections are and always have been completely secure and reliable.

While standing in line for seven hours waiting to vote, you may start to think, "I wonder if any of the men in line are actually voting for Harris?" Here is a handy guide for how to spot one of the rarest of all creatures, a male Kamala voter:

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ROCKFORD, MI — Several sources have come forward to accuse local man Bryce Harrison of stolen valor after the 54-year-old appeared in public wearing an "I Voted" sticker that he had purchased on Amazon.

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA — Tragedy struck a local voting precinct today, as an Amish man reportedly fell through a trap door directly to Hell after using an electronic voting machine.

PHILADELPHIA — As Trump began to take the lead in Pennsylvania exit polls, state officials announced they had accidentally misplaced all of their voting machines.

The post ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat appeared first on The Onion.

Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What do you think?

“I’m technically still waiting in line to vote in the 2004 election.”

Gabriel Malwitz, Costume Retailer

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“I don’t like division, so I voted for both.”

Joy Hollifield, Container Filler

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“I’m not political, but I am violent.”

Russ Casteel, Shale Shoveler

The post America Votes In 2024 Election appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI — A local white male has made the courageous decision to vote for Kamala to preserve his daughter's right to murder his grandchildren.

U.S. — Just in time for Election Day, officials unveiled a brand-new ballot box for Libertarians to use which, they say, will improve the efficiency of the counting process.

USA — Early exit polls in the 2024 presidential election show surprise write-in candidate Peanut the Squirrel with a commanding lead over the other two leading candidates.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans continue to wait in line to cast their votes today, several prominent Democrats have stepped forward to remind the country that an election winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is done being counted.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris was heard questioning the voting process early Tuesday, reportedly confused as to why she needs to get any votes to be elected president.

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President Donald Trump. “As soon as I entered the voting booth, my hand lurched forward and marked the box for Trump,” said Shultz, explaining that every time he attempted to select Vice President Kamala Harris instead, his hand went entirely limp and he was stricken with intense, overwhelming nausea. “Eventually I swatted at my right hand with the voter information packet, and I even tried stabbing it with a ballpoint pen. That seemed to subdue it for a while, but when I tried voting for [incumbent Senate candidate] Bob Casey, my hand reached for my throat and began strangling me.” At press time, an eerily smiling Shultz confirmed his only desire was to “make America great again.”

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WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great,” Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their social media feeds, and sat in bars with their arms crossed and eyes glued to TV screens. “We don’t normally smoke, but a cig would really hit the spot right now. Our nerves are just fried. We really need something to cut the stress. If you need all 340 million of them, though, we understand.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation had followed-up by asking Obama for 340 million lights.

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CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy before he entered the voting booth. “I just don’t know enough about fifth-century BCE Athenian democracy to make an informed decision in this election,” said Powers, frantically reading about the Enlightenment to see for himself whether John Locke said anything about Kamala Harris’ record on immigration. “I’d hate to step into that booth and make a hasty decision before I examined for myself how each candidate stacks up against Sinn Féin organizer Arthur Griffith and his 1905 policy calling for an independent Irish republic. It’s not really my style to fall in line with one party or another without first reading everything modern academia has to say about the history of the campaign button.” At press time, election workers were reportedly begging Powers to just pick one already after he had spent several hours attempting to translate texts from the proto-democratic societies of ancient Phoenicia on his phone.

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