U.S. — Boomers across the country prepared for church this morning by setting their cell phone ring volume to its absolute max.

GREENVILLE, SC — The morning worship service at Redeemer Church of Greenville grinded on into hour number eight after the guitarist's delay pedal became hopelessly stuck.

FLOWER MOUND, TX — Evangelical preacher Matt Chandler condemned sneaky Republicans Sunday for winning the Christian vote by cleverly coming out against murder.

HOUSTON, TX — Eyewitnesses at Lakewood Church reported that a congregant who shouted "Jesus is Lord" during a morning service was quickly told by Joel Osteen "I think you're at the wrong church."

TUSCALOOSA, AL — Elders at First Bible Church of Tuscaloosa recently placed the church's head pastor Bob "Jimbo" James on leave after he gave a sermon without incorporating even one single college football analogy.

ORLÉANS, FRANCE — Jacque de Pierre Château, a hard-working architect commissioned by Archbishop Regnault de Chartres, reportedly poured his heart and soul into a new cathedral that, unbeknownst to him, will someday be converted into a gay nightclub.

WILMORE, KY — Congregants at Outpouring of Grace Church of Wilmore are reporting that God the Holy Spirit tragically failed to show up last Sunday when a worship leader only repeated the chorus five times.

HEAVEN — Celestial sources shed light on the eternal rewards of two pastors yesterday, confirming that Frank Linderson, the pastor of a congregation of 40 people for over half a century was welcomed into Heaven's Avengers Tower while Brad Neil, who had been a megachurch pastor for six years, was given his very own celestial shack.

KNOXVILLE, TN — Sources within First Covenant Church of Knoxville recently confirmed that Cameron Garrison, the head worship leader, was quite certain that he could write a better song than anything in that dusty old hymnal the church still keeps around the pews for some unexplained reason.