HOUSTON, TX — A woman suffered a medical emergency during a Kamala Harris rally, fortuitously just as a dozen doctors were arriving on a nearby stage. The abortionists raced to the woman's side, then proceeded to crush her skull and rip her apart limb by limb.

ROCHESTER, MN — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered a miracle cure for hangovers they're calling "Just Don't Drink A Gallon Of Alcohol, You Drunkard."

BATON ROUGE, LA — Sources close to Max Calderfield, the Healthiest Man Alive, say that the wonder of nature has maintained a sound mind and body precisely by doing exactly the opposite of whatever the government recommends.

COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Devin Rogers received a prescription for immediate, high-dose testosterone injections after confessing to his doctor he was considering voting for Kamala Harris.